onemutanttale || january 2004

Okay, so do you really wanna know? Do you? Well I'm gonna tell you since I keep saying I'm gonna tell you but still haven't. As the initial mystery of the bloody incident at the apt unfolded, my brain also went into action, gleefully. I was imagining how no one could ever guess what happened and I would have so much fun with it. I'd first have everyone guess, then I was gonna provide you with a multiple choice, one real and several wonderfully imaginative other options. It would all still be a hard guess since the reality of the situation was a bit crazy in itself. But anyway, my excitement was shortlived. You all weren't quite as clueless as I had hoped. And now, with the passage of time, the glee I had has also waned. Not just from the passage of time though, but from the final outcome of it all.

So the blood smears was, in fact, real blood. It wasn't some sauce that someone had accidently gotten on the floor or paint marks left by an invisible artist. It was the real deal. Was it human blood? Perhaps someone stubbed their toe and left a trail as they hobbled for a bandage? No, of course not. The blood was not from a homosapien, but a rattus norvegicus. Yes, it was real blood from a scurrying rodent. A HUMONGOUS scurrying MUTANT rodent. And here are the details: While the apt was empty of human beings, said mutant rodent broke into the dwelling. From where, I have no clue. Perhaps it knawed through the wood and plaster and stuff in the walls. Then again, it could be that badly covered whole behind the sink. Said mutant rodent was clearly not there to make a house call, was clearly not there to make use of the bathroom, and was clearly not there to borrow a bed. Said mutant rodent was there for one thing and one thing only: to answer the call of its beasty belly. And so, it likely scurried about until its nose came across the smell of yummy peanuts. Without a second thought, its beasty belly being the brain of this operation, the mutant rodent found itself surrounded by an ocean of delectable peanuts. But there was a slight problem. Mutant rodent found itself in a predicament, a sticky predicament. And so that is where I will slowly fade away with my tale (yikes, that's actually pun-like, unintentionally).

[and the gore...] I'll just say that while mutant rodent got away, it wasn't without a lot of will power and just, I don't know, a high tolerance for extreme pain? As I hinted, it didn't get away without leaving something of itself behind. And I'm not talking about humongous rat droppings either (though that was discovered later on in various locations). Mutant rat dragged the trap with it all across the room for, who knows how long, before finally it ripped itself away, leaving blood trails here and there, as well as leaving its mutant tail (like a quarter inch thick on one end!) as payment for its meal. Pretty freakin' tough bastard, huh?

And so upon my return, I found only an empty mouse trap several feet from original location and the blood smears. That night, as well as the night after, I could hear the mutant rat scavenging for food. My room connects with the kitchen, and with my supersonic hearing, I could hear the crinkling of bags and the like. When I'd hear it, I'd quickly fling my door open hoping to catch the mutant in the act, but each time the thing ran with such lightning speed that I saw nothing. I could only hear it as it ran away. Clearly a big mutant by the clanking and banging sounds it'd make. I'd do this several times throughout the night. Each time it would run to hide in some cubbyhole till I was gone and then wreak havoc once more.

Well the conclusion, of which I will not divulge the details, because it makes me sick to my stomach, is that the mutant rodent is no longer of this world. I never saw it, and I had nothing to do with its demise. All I can say is that the attackers spoke with such delight, and lack of conscious, of what they did. How morbid. And that, my dear folks, is the anticlimatical end to this little saga. THE END. p.s. Congrats to Mr. Roachman for gettiing it right on the mark and ruining my fun.